I find it hard to talk about myself, I always have. I’m still unsure whether it is because I think people just aren’t interested in what I have to say, or if it is a self-preservation strategy in which I deflect any and all attention to avoid manifesting situations in which I am vulnerable.
My love noticed this a few weeks ago and requested something of me, to push me with my writing and also to overcome my efforts to stay mysterious, by placing me under instruction to write an essay on myself, moments that had influenced me and a brief synopsis of my life and my philosophies.
(I am a giant child).
Needless to say it took me freaking forever and I am pretty sure that I used every excuse and avoidance tactic under the sun because it made me uncomfortable to clear out the cobwebs and open some pretty dark boxes in my mind, and try to make some semblance of sense out of it. I got it done eventually, and while I still am processing what it bought up for me, it was cathartic and helped me to examine some old situations and develop how I tell stories.
One thing that I did notice was my reliance on quotes. I use them, I look them up, I even have one tattooed on me. So many people, myself included, form identity based on opinions of people from different times, and use words that aren’t ours to express schools of thought that we had no part in creating. The more I think about it, the more I find this practice ridiculous. Sure, I may not be as eloquent as Anais Nin or Oscar Wilde, but I should be able to back myself and what I say to a point that I don’t need validation from someone that I deem to be more intelligent, more profound or more persuasive.
We can take influence from others, sure; but we should be creating our own philosophies and standing by our own words, reflecting on the issues that we face in the context of present time. The progression of our culture and our society depends on our ability to do this, and if we focus on old schools of thought then we miss the opportunity to create something new and amazing.