Even in today’s society of increased awareness and conscious shift, women are socialized to hide their voice, to be passive and good, orderly and compliant in the face of the abnormal and injustice. This may be done out of necessity for survival, to blend in and fly under the radar, as women continue to be harshly punished for speaking out.
Over the weekend I found myself at a friend’s retreat. I had been before but I have been lacking clarity of late, and the retreat format is my favorite way to take a step back, disconnect and take a breath before diving back into the madness.
I was having a conversation with one of the wonderful women there, and was faced with an old trigger. She made an offhand statement about the nature of pornography being inherently harmful to society, particularly to men.
Now, I have had this conversation/debate/argument/whatever a hundred times, it is something that I feel very strongly about as a sex worker who has filmed porn, as well as from a feminist standpoint.
All eyes were on me, my friends expecting my usual rant about personal responsibility and empowerment through sex education, one of my favorite topics of debate.
But this time that didn’t happen. I froze; deflected the conversation and shrunk into myself, not feeling up to the confrontation. Later on, my friend pulled me up on it, verbally smacking me in the face, and then talking me through some of the blocks that I was experiencing surrounding communication.
Since the disintegration of my relationships, I have lost a lot of my confidence. Kitten leaving me had presented me with even more evidence around the bullshit belief that I didn’t deserve love, to the point of manifesting situations where I experience rejection and judgement. Playing the victim isn’t my natural state, and it certainly isn’t congruent with my values surrounding empowerment.
(Before you ask – No, it hasn’t been working out for me, asshole.)
So how do I go about rediscovering my voice, my purpose?
Allowing myself to get angry at injustice, to have the courage to speak out and on behalf of oppressed women. It doesn’t need to be a revolution to start having conversations and planting seeds in peoples’ minds. We are coming into an age of awakening, we are more connected to more people than ever before in history, it is time to use that opportunity to question everything that we have been taught before this moment and curate change.
Tl;dr – Challenge your beliefs. Question everything. Speak up and have the goddamn conversation.