A-grade Asshole

This week has been one of the most turbulent, fucked up time that I’ve had over the past couple of years. My relationship was failing and I fell in love with someone else. I did a shitty thing and as a result I broke someone’s heart, not fun and not nice. I felt like an A grade asshole. I fucked up, and I’ll own that.

A conversation came out of it that has stuck with me though, about the concept of what being a ‘good’ person actually means. What I believe is that there is no such thing as a good person or a bad person; even people who are ‘good’ by societies standards will fuck up occasionally, and I’m sure ‘bad’ people have qualities that are kind.

I attended a retreat a few months ago now where I explored what my values were and what living congruent with them looked like for me. Surprisingly (or not really), Happiness was at the top of the list, followed by love and learning. A lot of people might think that by putting my happiness over anything else makes me selfish, and god knows that I have been called that many times in my life. It’s probably true. But for me to live authentically and congruent with what I believe, I need to seek joy and happiness. Without that, I fail myself and I fail my relationships.

I used to be one of those people that lived in accordance to other people’s expectations. I tried and tried to be the Perfect Daughter, the Perfect Student, the Perfect Lover, the Perfect Submissive.. The list goes on. I put so much emphasis on what I perceived to be the happiness of other people that I wore myself out and developed a bunch of anxiety issues related to how people see me. It is only in the past couple of years that I rid myself of other people’s expectations for the most part and started exploring what makes me genuinely happy.

Am I a good person? Judging from the past week, no way in hell.

Do I have qualities and values that most people would find questionable at best? Absolutely.

Will I ever stop putting my own happiness first and live my life in conflict of my values?

Never again.

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